Stupid Sexy Godtiers
by Joanie Dark
Summary: Dave loves John.  Jade loves Rose.  Rose and John have got a thing going on.  So what's left for the others to do but sit consumed with lust?
1. Dammit John Egbert

That little dork was entirely too attractive for his own good.

Dave never quite knew _why_ he had become so attracted to John, but there was no doubt in his mind that he would have done near anything to get in the other boy's pants. It was far from a new thing; Dave had first realized he was attracted to Glasses over there when he had sent those entirely ironic-yet-not shades to him in the mail. Damn thoughtful, adorable little dork.

And now here it was, several years after they met, after they went through that ordeal that was Sburb, after the universe had been recreated and their lives had gone on...and he still knew that abso-fucking-lutely nothing was going to happen between them.

John was Not A Homosexual, after all. He made that clear to the cranky asshole that was his rival for John's affections, though Dave had honestly believed it far before he first uttered the words. He was sure the kid was straight when they were twelve, and he was still certain of it now.

It really shouldn't have been so bad. It had been years, for god's sake. He was Dave Strider, he could be crawling with bitches if he wanted. No one in their right mind didn't want a piece of that Strider ass. Well, except John.

If he _really_ wanted, he supposed, he could possibly even get John to...

No, that was idiotic. John would be all uncomfortable and fidgety and probably would have pushed him away the moment Dave tried to kiss him. Without putting on some sort of slutty outfit full of tits and ass and proclaiming "John, I'm a girl, ravish me you manly hunk," there probably was no way to get the guy to go for it.

Damn, this was the worst irony possible. The guy with tits wants a straight guy as his gay boyfriend. Good job, Strider. Good job.

Dave sighed and opened a new Pesterchum window on his computer, leaning his head in one hand and typing with the other.

- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 20:24 -

TG: hey jade

TG: you busy

TG: guess you must be

GG: sorry dave!

GG: i was chatting with your sister again

TG: sounds like fun

GG: not really :(

TG: good

TG: sounds like its time for the john egbert angst club


	2. Dammit Rose Lalonde

That gothic girl was entirely too attractive for her own good.

Jade had never really noticed her attraction to her friend until after all of the Sburb business had been over and done with. After all the dust had cleared from the seemigly endless fight for the life of their universe, Jade found that she could rarely think of anything but the other girl. Her intelligent, snarky nature was as attractive as her warm, black-lipped smile.

And now here it was, after all of the work they had done and all of the experiences they had shared, and she still knew that abso-fucking-lutely nothing was going to happen between them.

Rose had the potential to be a homosexual, but it seemed that it wasn't her ultimate intention. She had briefly entertained the notion of an interspecies relationship with one of the green-blooded trolls not long after the sixteen had created their universe, but ultimately they had both left the relationships to pursue potential romances of their youth. Of course, that childhood romance was not with Jade. To add insult to injury, it was none other than her ectobiological brother.

It really shouldn't have been so bad. There were other girls Jade could have dated, there was always the chance that she could wait and Rose would move on from her John to her. She couldn't shake the feeling though that she should have told the girl earlier, and everything would have been far different...

It had been bad enough when she had worked up the nerve after the two girls had broken off their relationship, and managed to tell Rose about her own romantic interest. Rose, however, had simply psychoanalyzed her way out of the situation, giving some sort of long, drawn out explanation based off of the apparent jealousy Jade had of Kanaya taking her friend away leading her to believe that she was in love. But for her to go after John, and even assign _Jade_ the lovely role of being her advice-giver for how to go forward in their relationship...it was more than Jade could really handle.

Tonight had been another one of those nights, though Rose seemed to have had some sort of internet problem causing the conversation to drop off suddenly. Some universe they had created.

The sounds of one of her chums pestering her made Jade's heart jump slightly.

- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 20:24 -

TG: hey jade

TG: you busy

TG: guess you must be

Oh. Dave. She sighed slightly, but started typing back.

GG: sorry dave!

GG: i was chatting with your sister again

TG: sounds like fun

GG: not really :(

TG: good

TG: sounds like its time for the john egbert angst club


	3. Angst Club

Neither Jade nor Dave were that particularly angsty when it came down to their conversations about John Egbert and the problems he was causing in their otherwise wonderful possible relationships, but the name had stuck after Dave had jokingly commented on how much they sounded like desperate schoolgirls over the whole subject. The matter was made no better by the fact that their conversations had grown more and more common recently. Stupid sexy godtiers, they'd say with a laugh as they discussed their friends. At least it seemed to them that Rose and John were not going to be a couple in the end. Their relationship seemed to be moving exceptionally slow, as if the two were still 13-year-olds having a middle school romance; it wasn't long before that Dave found himself cringing as John chattered to him about how the two had _held hands._

"Oh my god, really?" Jade had said, giggling. The event had been major enough that the two had met at a little diner as opposed to speaking over the internet.

Dave took a sip from the vanilla milkshake they were sharing _("We can't get chocolate, Dave. Do you know what chocolate does to dogs?")_and nodding slightly.

"Good job, Egderp. You get almost a month into your relationship and finally make it three steps off of the home plate."

"I don't know if I should feel happy or sad for them, I really don't," Jade said. "Are they really even dating? I'm starting to wonder."

"With those two, I'm _always_wondering," Dave said, right as one of the strange salamander-like waitresses (waiters? It was hard to tell) stopped by to see how the "sweet couple" was doing. Dave found himself shaking his head as the amphibious being walked away again. "Like that. Why exactly did we let them make the citizenship of new universe we created a bunch of overgrown lizards?"

"I'm not sure we 'let' them any more than the trolls 'let' Karkat give the two of us red blood," Jade said, a bemused grin on her face. "Besides, I think that they're a pretty decent species. And there's plenty of kids being raised at the ectobiology lab."

"Good, so humans will once again walk the Earth in a couple decades when all of our lab-babies grow up," he groaned. "Until then, we're trapped on a never ending episode of Barney from which there's no escape."

"Really, salamanders aren't anything close to dinosaurs," Jade chastised. "And didn't the planet wind up getting named Bob?"

"I don't think I voted on that."

"Of course not; the whole place had been here millenia before we set foot on it, stupid!"

"Anyway, we're getting off the topic," Dave said, tapping a spoon against the base of the glass with mild annoyance."The fact that on our own planet we're outnumbered by sentient 7th-grade dissection experiments is ironic and all, but it really doesn't help the fact that the nerd and the princess of darkness are slowly crawling through the dirt to first base."

"I'm sure that it's only a matter of time before Rose decides that she isn't really interested in something that's such a drag," she said hopefully, and Dave scoffed.

"Are you talking about the same Lalonde I'm talking about? The one who spent months doing nothing but waxing poetic to one another over the internet for months of their relationship?"

"Well, I always assumed that was because trolls and humans...um, consummate their relationships in different ways?" Jade said, cocking her head slightly.

"I'm guessing you never fooled around with any of them then, if you don't think they get up to just the same kind of kinky shit that we do." Dave's eyes crinkled behind his glasses in amusement, but his mouth stayed stoic. He had found himself in...situations once or twice with some of their grey comrades, and found that they seemed to be pretty similar as far as the way sex went. He supposed that had to do partially with the fact that they probably contributed their own knowledge of sex when the human race was gestating within the universal frog...oh, no, no, don't go there. Now you're thinking about salamander-person junk. Gross, Dave, gross.

There had been a couple times he had thought about ditching the whole idea of dating John when he was hanging out with the trolls. Interesting thing about trolls-turned out that the whole gender/sex thing was a lot more lax when it came to the aliens. They seemed to have genders, yeah, but it seemed that when you got a troll naked they had the same _two_sets of equipment below the waist. It may have been momentarily shocking to his partners that Dave didn't have a little Dave perking up as well, but they all seemed to shrug it off as gender and sex separating into two inborn things. Hell, they probably thought that Jade was the one with a penis between the two of them.

Of course, he couldn't stop wanting to get into John's pants any more than he could have _really_gotten into any sort of quadrant relationship, so here he was again. At least Jade was good company to keep.

And there it was, the cute blush on Jade's cheeks at his alluding to her sexual life. Damn, if only they were straight, he would have been so willing to go out with her.

"That's...not really important, is it?" she squeaked out, remembering a couple of far less successful encounters she had had with the other species.

"Yeah, I suppose it's not that important considering the fact that Rose and John may start pecking each other's cheeks in a few months."

"Oh Dave," she giggled, "if you're so sure it won't happen any time soon, then why don't you just try to steal John away?"

"Because flirting with your brother may cause problems between me and my sister," Dave said simply, and Jade leaned forward on the table.

"Is that really true? I think that Rose would be a lot more understanding than you think."

"Come on. Rose isn't going to be like 'Oh, Dave, I see you are by far the superior sibling who deserves the boy.'"

"'In fact, this was all a psychological experiment to see if the added incentive of challenging a romantic competitor would make you move faster. Good show, Strider,'" Jade said in an amazing imitation of the blonde girl, and Dave actually let the very corner of his mouth twitch into a tiny smile.

"Yeah, I'm sure that's not Lalonde's MO. Besides, if you think it would be so easy to just wedge in there, then why don't you just go sweep the princess away with your adorable canine charm?"

"Because I have a feeling she's a lot more into John than he is into her." She was still smiling, though she was chewing her lower lip nervously. "She'd mentioned liking John before they ever started dating, after all. But in all my conversations with John," she looked up mischievously, "he would talk about how cool _you_were."

"Oh?" Dave asked, careful not to show any hint that the fact gave him some hope. Jade nodded.

"And what's more than that," Jade added, motioning for the bill, "Rose knows you're totally in love with John."

"Oh." His discomfort was mildly more visible.

"She even told me once that if you two wound up getting together, she would be totally ok with it!" she chirped. "Apparently she thinks you guys would make a good couple."

"Huh. Wonder why she never told _me_that."

"Wonder why you haven't told John you want him to have your babies." Dave choked on the milkshake and Jade giggled. "Really, Dave. Just pull up the courage and kiss the boy!"

"It's not that simple..." Dave said, and Jade looked at him inquisitively.

"Come on, Dave! I know you can do it!" she said. "Just use that charm of yours and you're sure to make him melt."

"Now thank you for the words of encouragement, darlin'," Dave said in a somewhat fake southern drawl, lowering his glasses a bit and wiggling his eyebrows. Aww, and there's Jade's blush again. _Damn,_he's good.

"Haha, go on, just go after him, alright?"

"Only if you start flirting with Lalonde. I'm not going to be the only homebreaker here."

"Fine, jeez," she said. The two of them stood from the table and hugged tightly. "So, maybe we're not going to have to have these little hang out sessions anymore soon?"

"Hey, I'll always want to hang out with my girl," he said, saluting casually as he turned to go. "Right. So Project Morally Dubious Seduction is a go?"

"Roger!" she said with a little salute of her own.

"Awesome," Dave said, pushing his shades back up, and turning to head out the door.

This was going to be a disaster.


	4. Meanwhile, At a Cafe

John and Rose were sitting on a lovely garden terrace looking out over a hill as they sipped darjeeling from dainty china cups. Rose stared at John intently as he fiddled with his teaspoon nervously. The boy really showed that he was the youngest of the four, she thought with a smile, and it was adorable. Granted, he was only a few months younger than the others, but he still seemed a child sometimes, the way his youthful innocence shone through him. Dating was one of those places—he was giggly and awkward and obviously barely out of the "girls have cooties" stage even now.

Adorable.

He took a sip of his tea (mostly sugar, Rose had noted, though that was as likely a result of a childhood of sweets as actuall childish behavior) and then smiled his goofy grin.

"So, um…" he started, face a little red. Rose chuckled a little to herself, putting down her cup.

"Yes, John?" she asked, smiling sweetly.

"So…I was talking to Dave yesterday," John said, and Rose couldn't help the tiny frown on her lips. She loved her brother, was happy for all four's friendship, but…that blush combined with her knowledge of Dave's crush on John led her to wonder if his flushing was for her kin.

They'd be a cute couple.

That didn't mean she had to be happy about it.

"So, what did our lovely sunglassed friend have to say?" she asked calmly, ready to psychoanalyze anything he said.

"He was…um…asking about us," he said, ruddying further.

"Go on."

"Um…huh, well, you know how Dave is," he said, and his words started to pick up frantic speed. "You know, always going on with his terrible jokes about things…"

"You mean he was asking about our sex life." From John's stutters in response, she could tell she hit the nail on the head. "Pray tell. Why is it our companion's usual crassness is now alarming you? Typically it's not something you'd flush over so much."

"W-well, it's just that he didn't have reason to…uh…"

"Ask? Suspect? Privacy has never been something any of us were fond of, and it is a natural thing to expect in the context of a long-term romantic relationship between young adults." There was no doubt in her mind that Dave was likely up to _something_, but she had to admit it was an interesting topic of discussion. It wasn't that she had come to expect anything as of yet...their relationship could move slow; as immortals, they had all the time in the world, after all.  
>But sometimes, honestly? She couldn't help but wonder when John was going to grow up a bit. People his age didn't still go completely awkward with something as simple as a kiss after they had been with someone as long as John and Rose had been a couple.<br>Perhaps her brother had pointed this out in his eloquent manner.

_Bravo._

"It just seems…weird, you know?" John stared into his teacup, swirling it around and watching the tiny fragments of leaves dance at the bottom. "I mean, you're my friend…well, girlfriend now, I guess…"  
>Rose raised an eyebrow inquisitively.<p>

"You started with the primary statement of 'friend.' Is it possible that your feelings are regretfully of a platonic nature?" There was a little prick in her chest. That was not a conclusion she really wanted to accept.

"No! I really do like you," John said, grabbing her hands from across the table in earnest.

"Then why do you feel concerned with Dave's usual lines of questioning?"

"That's..." John bit his lip, cute bucked teeth pressing hard enough to make his lip go white. "Well, I guess..."

"It doesn't really matter. So. What did you tell him?" Rose said, smirking. The noises coming from John's mouth were now completely incoherent, and she shook her head. "I've never known you of all people to go so speechless, John. It's not a big deal, really. If it makes you feel any better, Dave enjoyed probing into my private life with my last girlfriend as well, and chances are had you entered into a relationship in the years since Sburb, he would have been interrogating you sooner as well."

"I...told him we were taking things slow?" John managed to squeak out, and Rose nodded, doing her best to hide her slight displeasure.

"Mm."

"Yeah, and he teased me about it and basically I told him to shut up and we started talking about videogames," John said, his voice starting to return to a normal tone and rythm. Good job, John, being so worked up over the little mention of sex.

Still, the fact that he had already changed the subject-after he himself was the one to bring it up-sounded suspicious.

Rose pushed her chair away from the table, grabbing her black squiddle bag and smiling at John plesantly.

"It's good to know that entire conversation worked out between you."

"Aww, are you leaving?" John asked, and she was pleased to hear the disappointment in his voice. Good, he _should_ want her to stay.

"I'm afraid I have some official business I have to attend to back in my territory," she said, her eyes showing an immaculate impression of sincere apology. "There is an important figurehead I have to meet over a little matter of some property division between nations."

"Oh jeez. Politics. Ouch."

"The troubles of being crowned a demigod and patron of a small country," she chuckled, pulling up her orange hood. "Stay out of trouble dear."

John gave her a sly grin. "No more trouble than I usually dig myself into!"

A quick peck on the lips, and Rose was off, back towards her manor. She wasn't lying; she did have to call over an important figure to have a nice little discussion.

She had to know _what_ Dave was up to.


	5. Seeing the Knight

The Seer of Light smiled and bowed her head slightly in thanks to the crocodile-headed men opening the grand doors to the Knight of Time's palace.

The doors closed behind her, and she found herself alone in the throne room. She couldn't help but think that the lofty ceilings of the royal chamber seemed odd for him; Dave had always been the sort that she was sure would have been unironically living in a tiny apartment even if he were a wealthy, godlike political figure as he and the other players had become. Indeed, he didn't live in the palace that had been granted to him when the gods descended to the universe they created, but a flat at the top of one of the apartment buildings in his nation's capital. Granted, it was a penthouse in one of the loveliest buildings that the hot and swampy country had to offer, but it didn't lessen the obvious fact that Dave ignored his palace when possible.

Still, she called out into the empty hall, knowing that wherever the young man may be, he would be able to hear her through their godlike powers of communication.

"Strider...we need to talk. Brother to sister."

She looked around the red stone hall with mild interest, waiting mere seconds before her ectosibling waltzed into the hall and sat down. She knew he had taken his sweet time—after all, manipulator of its flow or not, a seer could see what was happening—but she smiled as she approached him anyway.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your fine gothic majesty's ass here?" Dave asked.

"It seems that you have been harassing the Heir of Breath?"

The young man showed no sign of any trepidation he may have felt at the question, simply staring with those dark black lenses. After a moment, he crossed his legs and tented his fingers.

"Shit. Now why would I go harassing my best friend. We just do the typical things all bros do. Play video games, call each other out on how bullshit their wins are, talk about hot babes and spin some sweet music. Well, he's kinda shit when it comes to writing a good lyric, but his bass lines are getting better."

"Strider, don't think that you can manage to get me off track," Rose said, her face still conveying something of a false cheer. "Don't think I don't know what you're up to."

"I'm not-"

"I have been psychoanalyzing my friends for years, Dave, and I know what's going on as much as I know that if I let you speak just then, I'd have to listen to yet another long derailing rant. You may try to distract yourself and others in this disassociation problem of yours, possibly to create some image of control to match the rest of your created persona derived to protect against the hardships of the world, but I see right through after all this time."

"Damn, Lalonde. You know how to jab that knife deep," Dave said, "stabbing me with the shiv of your words like I've got the last pack of cigarettes in the women's penitentiary and you're desperate for your nicotine fix."

"That's enough of that, Strider." Rose took a few steps closer to the throne. "I just wanted to tell you that if you think you're going to break up your sister's happy relationship, then you are terribly mistaken."

"Damn, girl. If I didn't know better, I'd think that's a threat."

"It's no threat. Simply a promise that I won't go down without some fight." She smirked. "I'm rather fond of him, after all. I don't care if you think that we aren't a good couple and you have to save the relationship from dooming itself or whatever convoluted self-centered form of knightly chivalry you have created. And if this is something even more directed towards your own self interest, I'd like to direct you to the awareness of the fact John has, on multiple occasions, stated his defined interest in people of the opposite _sex._"

In reality, the final word was likely not as punctuated in reality as it was in Dave's mind, and it was all that he could do to make sure that not a single hint of discomfort could be shown. There were some secrets that Rose really didn't need to know, and he hoped to god that she hadn't figured things out somewhere along the way.

Granted, it _was_ Rose. If she had figured out that coolkid bravado was generated by laboratory testosterone, she'd never use it as a jab.

Still, he couldn't help but feel a twang of nervousness.

"Dave?"

He was still, and then let out the smallest of monosyllabic laughs.

"I never told him that I wanted to be the one boinking his brains out...or gently holding his hand, as it might be with you two."

"Oh, shut it," Rose said, almost snapping.

"Touched a nerve, did I?"

"I can keep as collected as you, dear," Rose said. "I can continue a passive aggressive exchange with the best of them."

"And that's why I love you, Rose," Dave said. "But really, if he gets so hot and bothered about me bringing up you two's shagadelic love life that you're coming here instead of getting it on tentaghost style, then maybe y'all need to reevaluate your relationship."

"You said 'y'all.'"

"Yeah, cuz I ain't no damn yankee like you. Have a problem?"

"Yes, I happen to have a number of problems with your appalling grammar."

"Sounds like good pillow talk right there."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, Dave. Honestly, sometimes..."

"Look, Lalonde." Dave hopped off of his throne, walking to the girl and putting his hands on her shoulders. "Girl. I'm just saying. Maybe it's gotten to a point where you should realize that the kid may not belong with you."

"I'm sure he's far more of a fit with myself than with you," she said, brushing off one of Dave's hands, just for him to put it back on her shoulder.

"Well I may have to disagree with that, if only because I love the idiot, but really. You should think about the fact there are other possibilities out there. Other fish in the sea."

"If you're suggesting I go attempt to seduce Ampora I'm certain that both of his partners would be as repulsed by me as I would be with myself."

"I didn't mean it literally, you dumb broad," he said, ruffling her hair slightly with one hand, hiding his delight at her annoyed expression. "Just know there are other people close to you who might be a little more available and ready to offer you what you need in a relationship, ok? I'm just looking out for you."

"And your cock."

"Fine, and that. But mostly yours."

Rose took a step back and laughed.

"I'm not going to just give John to you."

"Nothing good is ever given up without a fight."

"As long as you understand that much."

"Crystal clear."

"Well then," Rose said, tugging lightly at the strings on her hood, "I suppose I must be off to console the poor boy from whatever horrible sexual harassment you put him through trying to investigate the private matters of our relationship."

"Hell, girl, if he feels harassed by a simple 'have you touched a boob,' then I'm not sure how he can call himself a man."

"Just try not to bother him too much?"

"Fuck no. Bothering the kid is the most fun thing since ninja-sliced bread."

"I knew you'd say something so simply moronic."

"Go do your psychoanalytical predictions elsewhere."

"No psychology needed, Dave. You're just an idiot."

"Lalonde. Tend to your virgin."

With a snicker, the Seer was off, and the Knight retreated from his throne room. Once sure he was alone, he sighed, smiling slightly to himself. He hadn't even _started_ Project Morally Dubious Seduction, but it sounded like it was going to go swimmingly.

Good to know whatever he was going to go back in time to bother John with was going to get him so riled up. Thanks, Lalonde.


End file.
